I tried to go to sleep, i toss and turn in bed but Rainie Yang's new song - Ke Ai, had to just keep popping in my head. My mind was in a whirl, lots of thoughts started flowing back.
Its like i finally seek enlightenment to why im going to celebrate my 2 years of independence next week. Its just so personal i wont disclose too indepth.
One thing i know for sure, im not good enough for any good guy, neither do i wanna any bad guy to further hurt me.
I know Wayne had told me once that i shouldnt be feeling this way. And that i should put my past behind me and start anew. But easier said than done, i really cannot do it. My past haunts me inevitably and its one thing no one, no one in this whole world can ever understand what ive been through. The tremour, the phobia, the insecurities, the hurts, the pains, the tears, the blood. No one will ever comprehend how afraid i was, how frightened i got, how lost i felt, how paranoid i am, how.. (no, i shant go on..)
In life, there's only black and white, good and bad. No grey, no man standing between good and bad.
Of course i understand that no man is perfect, and every human being has their own pros and cons. But still, i feel there's only good and bad and nothing else in between.
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Its true how lonely i can feel at times. Just like now when the entire house feels so empty as all are deeply asleep and only one insane pessimist over here who kept thinking and worrying over nothing. Which girl, almost turning 19, doesnt wanna love and be loved in return? Which girl, doesnt wanna glow with happiness? I do. Not that i kept rejecting guys because they dont fit perfectly in my books of criteria, but because i cant bring myself to accept any.
My life is screwed ever since 2 years ago. And thats a fact. Nothing can change what had happened and nothing will make it any better. Why! Why has it be me? Why must my life be ruined in the hands you? To you its nothing, but uve created great disorder in my life and i hate the way i feel about things now.
OH SHUT UP ALREADY. QUIT PISSING ME OFF BECAUSE OF YOUR DAILY DEPRESSED ENTRIES.
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I swear im going to wake up with bad aches tomorrow on every part of my body. Jogging today with Denise and Edwin was one thing i never dream to do. 20 minutes of non stop jogging at the reservoir this evening and 50 sit ups aftermath. I swear i used up every ounce of my energy and was literally dying.
But this will go on till im eligible for Ms Singapore and win the Most Beautiful Body title. Byebye carrot legs, i dont ever want to see you again. (in my dreams prolly)
Dinner at Techno with Denise, Spermy, Weiquan, Mel and bf after a hard day's work. Im totally famished right now but i resisted from having supper because i wanna be on a strict diet. Say no to titbits, ice cream and supper today!
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My tears hardened, i can no longer cry. You're more than a nightmare, you've practically took control over my life. Now im like a possessed young girl who's stucked with images of the past. I cant move forward and ive no where to seek shelter. Save me, i can hardly breathe.
* yours truly.
amber.ruoxuan\\twenty\
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20051987\\single\\operations analyst @ credit suisse\\friendster*
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